It’s OK To Be Renegade
by Rachel • September 13, 2012 • Events, Family, Home School • 10 Comments
Do you ever feel like the only jar without a lid? I do.
When my kid climbs up the slide, I see the looks from other parents who wouldn’t dare let their kid break the ‘rules’. I confuse adults when I redirect them to ask my child questions and then listen to her answers because most adults act like kids can’t think or speak for themselves. And the opinions about our choice to raise an unschooled, only child? I attract comments like fleece attracts dog hair, even from strangers!
The School For Young Children (SYC), Lil’s former preschool where Alex also attended as a child, is one place where I don’t feel like the odd duck. SYC teachers agree that children have valid feelings and their words matter. They take time, as we do, to understand and meet kids’ needs.
The result of such a system of thought is that kids at SYC of both genders wear tutus, use tools, and go wild with art supplies. They are allowed to play in any way that doesn’t hurt people or property.
Children experience conflict amongst each other and learn through resolving disagreements. When SYC kids share or apologize, it is out of genuine expression, not obligation. Parents are encouraged along the way to express their own feelings and grow themselves.
It’s OK NOT To Share…
SYC alum Heather Shumaker drew on her experience, and those of SYC teachers who include her mother, to write It’s OK NOT To Share…and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids. This handbook for parents include the child development science behind why it’s best to let kids experience conflict and empowerment. Heather’s writing won’t put you to sleep, though – each chapter is full of immediately useful phrases and situational solutions.
None of the ideas in It’s OK NOT to Share are new to me. Our parents raised us with many of these ideals and the rules (though I bristle against the very concept of renegade rules) come naturally to us. The practices Heather outlines are exactly how we have been parenting for almost seven years now. Can you believe Lil will be seven at the end of the month? I can’t handle how fast time flies!
What the book gave me was a sense of peace about our renegade parenting. We might feel lonely sometimes, and receive odd looks and comments, but bringing up our daughter as we do is justified. We hope that by empowering her to speak up for herself, to resolve conflicts, and feel her emotions, she will grow up to be competent and compassionate as Heather Shumaker suggests.
I look forward to seeing Heather next week at her reading and book signing at SYC next Wednesday, September 19 at 7 pm. I would love to see you there!
Have you seen other kids lately?! Most 7 year olds couldn’t find their way out of a box without help. I applaud you for what you’re doing and love all of your “renegade” unschooling posts. I really look forward to when my wife and I have kid(s) and can raise them to be intelligent, self directed people that strive to learn and grow.
Bravo for not being another identical cog in the machine!
Thanks for the comment, Eric. I try not to compare but it is becoming easier to notice the benefits of our parenting – my kid is confident and fairly self-sufficient already. Hopefully our open communication will continue through the teenage years, a time in parenting that I truly fear!
Rachel, as someone who works with over-parented “kids” (they’re adults, but you might not know it) everyday in the University setting, I appreciate what you’re doing. I wish more parents would allow their kids to experience, feel, and learn on their own. Sure, kids need boundaries for safety, but in general, I agree with Eric – most of them couldn’t find their way out of a box! And, I’m not talking about 7 year olds….
It will be interesting to see how Lil does in college if she chooses to go – I think she’ll be bored by other kids’ behavior if they are anything like undergrads I see today.
Totally feel this way all of the time. Not in regards to parenting obviously (though I did in terms of dog parenting!) but just in the way we live our life. It’s not like most people and I get a lot of “comments” about it. It’s frustrating but I have to remind myself that we’re happy and that’s all that matters.
Happiness is what matters!
I feel sorry for kids that never got to run up the slide, play in creeks, or break the inconsequential rules. I think they end up maladjusted.
Enjoyed your post, Rachel. Yes, being renegade can be lonely, but who knows? Maybe the book will make it a less lonely stand. Keep on going!
I have been reading this book ever since you recommended it to me on Facebook. I absolutely love it! I’ve been stumbling my way there through instinct, but it’s so great to have a book to help get me the rest of the way – and something I can point to when people think we’re nuts. Great, great stuff here!
I frequently find myself at playgrounds, watching my kids, but sitting back and letting them go (unless, of course, they go to do something actually dangerous). They climb up the slide (and I only stop them if another kid is currently coming down), they run, they sometimes trip and fall. A lot of times another random parent will scoop them off the floor and ask if they are okay. They usually will give the person a strange look as they run away. They’re fine! And I know the difference between a small fall and something that will actually hurt them. I let them do the former…sometimes you trip if you’re playing too hard or running too fast (and we’re talking indoor, padded places here!). Who cares? I let my son wear his sister’s pink jackets out of the house because he likes them. That’s changing as he gets older but did it hurt him in the mean time?
My kids are never bored. I more have the problem of them getting into too many things! They’re so creative, they can play a game with sticks and rocks, or a pile of dirt. My 1-year-old loves pots and spoons (and knows he can get one whenever he wants). We do very few “directed” activities and then typically because they have asked for help with something. (We unschool with a few modifications to allow for their needs and the fact that there are 3, soon to be 4 of them!)
You know what else? They’re polite. And not because I told them to be. They apologize if they hurt you, unprompted. They say please and thank you. Not that they don’t push and scream and fight too.
But they usually work it out with minimal intervention. We’ve definitely found listening to and accepting their feelings makes a difference.
And yes people think we’re crazy, and I sometimes fear that teachers (they do go to church for a couple hours a week) will think I think my kids are precious little snowflakes who should never be interrupted or corrected and who are perfect. And I don’t, at all! I just think their feelings are valid. They make mistakes and do bad things like anyone else…but getting to the root of the issue is going to help everyone more than punishment. More and more I don’t care what their perception is! I don’t answer to them anyway….
Way too much, just to say, yeah, let them go! Keep them safe from actual harm but otherwise let them explore!